if you want to read you can click here) The only reason I'm writing this, is because my dad would have thought this was funny...
That night, was the worst night of life...trying to sleep, being emotionally exhausted, the pain in my head from crying so much, was unlike any headache I'd ever felt, dealing with all the calls from the hospital and coroner- it felt like an overwhelming nightmare, and then I was supposed to go to bed somehow.
As I tried to sleep, crying, in bed with my phone- reading through every text my dad sent me, watching every video of him- poor little Ellie's molar teeth coming in- she she woke up all night long. In the middle of the night- when she woke up, she had jumped back against my face and hit my eye with her head. I didn't hurt that bad- nothing would hurt as much as my heart did.
When I woke up, I felt like throwing up- I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want this to be my reality. I felt literally sick to my stomach over waking up, knowing my dad wasn't here on Earth. I went to brush my teeth...my dad was always big on brushing teeth the second you woke up- and I realized I had a nice little black eye going on.
I still have my black eye...these picture were taken a few days ago... somehow, black eyes seem to get worse looking, I've realized.
This week has felt like it was a month long in some ways, and then it feels like it was just not so long ago that my dad sent me his last text. I never imagined that I would spend Father's Day weekend, packing up all my dad's things by myself. Correction- I wasn't by myself...my dad was with me in my heart, and God was with me too. I think it was kind of good I was by myself...God was able to strengthen my heart while I did it. And I imagined I what my Dad would do, how he would just get it done.
My heart is torn. I like this picture at the top. I like to smile. I haven't felt like smiling very much this last week. My dad smiled a lot. He would light up the room when he walked in- always with a big smile on his face. His personality was full of life, happiness and fun. I want to smile. He made me smile. The thought of him will always make me smile.
Though our heart is breaking on the inside, sometimes a smile on the outside... can work it's way from our face to our heart.
As I stood, in my closet yesterday...I heard this song...and I felt like I was standing in a storm...and all my tears that had fallen were held in God's hands. If you'e lost a loved one- my heart breaks with yours. I know, no words can comfort a mourning heart. But sometimes just offering a heart to break along with theirs is comforting- to know someone just is wishing your pain away, beacuase it won't go anywhere, but that they will stand with you in the storm of heartbreak and just be with you is comforting.
If you are in a "storm" of life, of any kind, depression, sadness, grief, dispair, heart ache of any kind, I hope this song will speak to your heart like it did to mine yesterday:
and though my heart is breaking, I will smile on the outside so that is might work it's way to my heart...especially because my dad would be smiling...I can feel his smile.
I bet people don't think I'm a boxer when they see my shiner, but I bet my dad would think it was funny...and he's say "You're lookin' Good!"
A black eye and a broken heart....ha ha ha ha I'm in good shape!
huge hugs from my torn heart and black eye, your kandee