Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Setting a record for the least I've ever blogged!


Since I started blogging, years ago now, I have blogged almost every day. I even blogged the day I went into labor with Ellie. But never has it been so hard as these last, almost 2 weeks now...to write.
Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since I got that horrific call telling me my dad was no longer on this Earth.

I can't express in words what your life, your heart, your mind feels like, when a loved ones dies. It is beyond words to describe, and even in your most incredible imagination, you can imagine what it feels like until you go through it.

People say, it will get better. But my world will never be the same, ever. I'm sure I will go on, and maybe one day I won't go to sleep with heartbreak, and maybe one day I will wake up and not feel my heart grow with sadness as I wake up to the reality that my dad is not here.

I know, in my heart I am trying to be happy that my dad is so happy in heaven, but my Earthly self misses him so much, it physically hurts in my heart.

I had filmed a video about waterproof, sweatproof make-up before I my dad died. I hadn't gotten to edit it, I still haven't. It has a funny part that me and Jordan filmed, and I know my dad would think it was funny too. I will edit it and I will upload it on Youtube...I just can't tell you the day yet.

I just want to thank you all, with all my heart, for sending me your amazing comments, filled with love, care and kindess. I thank you for your prayers...as this last week and a half, I have had to deal with many things that I never thought I'd have to deal with when someone dies. Things that are too hard to go into detail about yet.

My life feels changed. I have realized things I want to do differently, because so many things in this life feel so meaningless now.

My dad was such a huge inspiration in my life. He encouraged everyone around him- total strangers, people he knew, and most of all his family.
                                          (This magnet was on my dad's workbench)

There are many reasons I didn't or couldn't even blog these last several days....
I just couldn't. I didn't want people to get tired of me just writing about how much I missed my dad. My mind just couldn't think of what to say. And my heart felt too broken to muster up something to say.

I will blog again, because my dad read my blogs and told everyone to go to my blogs and watch my videos. He loved that I made people smile and was able to encourage them.

My heart hurts and when I woke up this morning- today did not feel better. I still felt awful. Tears still ran down my face last night as I stared at a note my dad wrote on my bulletin board that said: HAPPY DAY! I LOVE MY BABIES!

My dad encouraged and inspired everyone around him, wherever he went....and I will not stop doing that either. Maybe today this didn't encourage anyone, my little heart is still trying to be ok.

To anyone who's lost a loved one...my heart knows your pain. It knows the feeling of not feeling that your heart or life will ever be the same. This hurt is beyond description and my only comfort is that my dad is in heaven, happier than he could ever be here on Earth. I just miss him from Earth, so much...it hurts to be here without him.

huge hugs from my heart, and if no one's told you today, I love you, kandee

50 comments:

Diane said...

Sending you prayers and support during this difficult time. I wish I had the answer as to how to feel better soon, but I don't think there is one besides time. Time heals all wounds.

Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine what losing your dad feels like. I'm so sorry for your loss!! I'm praying for you and your family. Just remember, you didn't lose your dad, you gained a guardian angel! Xoxo

amy said...

Oh Kandee, sweet Kandee. We love you. We know you have pain. We know you are dealing. Just to know you're hanging on and fighting through this because your dad would want you to makes me proud to call you a friend... Even though we never met. I think about you daily. I pray for you a lot. I see my purse and makeup bag you designed and know you brought so much joy on so many levels all over this world. Even to my little Aubrey who is now six... It took me two years to stop crying over my grandma. I can't imagine you any dinner but know I pray for you. I love you and I am sending you heaps of love. Amy in Idaho

Anonymous said...

Still sending you hugs and positive thoughts to you and your family. Your dad seems like a great person.. Sure does reflect from you too because you are a very inspirational and positive person. Im sure he's smiling from above saying to mourn for now, but to mostly remember the good things about him and the time you had together. Those things make it hard, but also help make you feel better. Hugs!

sara said...

Youre such an amazing person kandee! Youre in my thoughts and prayers! You have helped me a lot, and i wish i could do the same for you. I love you. Stay strong sweetie!

Greg said...

Nothing on this Earth prepares you for the lose of a loved one, epecially your parents. Doesn't matter how young you are , or how old you become, you always need your folks. Your in my prayers and thoughts Kandee, and you have the love and support from a lot of others. I need to find my father and repair our relationship.

Anonymous said...

I've been watching ur blogs for a year now....blogging can help u heal some... Just go with your heart and ur dad will be with u

Anonymous said...

Kandee... I have read your blogs everyday and I can't lie, I have truly missed eading them the past 2 weeks. On the other hand, everytime I see your face online I can't help but share your pain as I have lost my dad as well. As time goes by your dad won't be forgotten... you will wake up and it just won't be as hard as the day before... you know what that is??? Your dad giving you the strength to move on in life...
I know you have so many people who follow you everyday of your life... but I feel as you have become a personal part of my life and have cheered me up on some of my darkest days... from the bottom of my heart, Thank you...
My dad used to say "better days ahead"... I live his words everyday... its true ya know?
Love to you in the size of Elephants <3
Ty

RachelPeppercorn said...

Kandee,
I just wanted to say it's so incredibly heartbreaking to see (or read) the pain you're in and I want you know know you're in my thoughts, and although I'm not a praying person, I'll say one for you and your family in hopes it brings some happiness back n this time of immense pain and sadness.
Here are some lyrics from one of my favourite bands in the world that seem appropriate for you and I hope they bring some peace back into your life.

"An Angel got his wings we'll hold our heads up knowing that he's fine. We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a life time." - Winter by Bayside.

Love and web-hugs,
Rachel Peppercorn.

Anonymous said...

I know how it feels to lose a loved one. But trust me, honey: it will get better. Just give it time. My grandma used to say: "if we haven't felt heartbreak, we don't know what life is. It's actually a gift." Meaning: They're in a better place now and that is a gift all by itself. And we should feel happy and be able to laugh - because we know we will see them again someday. And that is a comfort in itself. I hope I have given you just a tiny bit of comfort with these words. You will see him again someday. Love from my Danish heart to yours, Emilie

Tuey Luey said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I have always had the belief that if god takes you from the earth, its because you are needed for a higher purpose in heaven. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man and I'm sure he is carrying on his good work. A person is never gone all the time they are in your head and heart, they are never truly gone unless you forget them. Its clear that your dad will never be forgotten. You and your family are in my heart and prayers xxx

kel said...

Kandee, i know you've heard it before that everything will be ok, eventually it will but its also ok to mourn, as per your words he looked like an amazing man, and will be missed and for that reason its ok to feel that way, my husband lost his mom 3 months ago, and the way you try to describe your feelings is exactly how he would try to tell me how he feels, you are an amazing person that inspire millions of people day by day all around the world, and although it would never compare to the feeling of not having your daddy with you, i want you to know that we are all here for you. Because somehow one way or another you have helped us, through your words, videos, etc.
Just remember that everytime you and your sister feel that little inner voice giving you strength and guiding you, its that borrowed angel that god gave you the priviledge to have as a father, letting you that he still here in your heart.

enchantedtreats said...

Kandee you are so strong and amazing. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family im these hard times. God will give you the strength you need to overcome this in your life. Never forget your dad is always in your heart and will always be there.

Angel Vaughan said...

Dearest Kandee,

My Dad died when I was 11 so I feel your pain and even 17 years on everyday I think of all the things I'm my life he missed and all the things I wish I could talk to him about.... Sadly my eldest brother passed away 13 years ago also, I have more bad days than I have good but your videos and blogs make me smile and often I'm laughing along with you while watching them.

As many have said we don't know you personally but all feel like we kinda know you, I can see you have an amazing family and you Dad would be proud of all of you.

You really are a rare Diamond in this world and all the people that respect you will not expect you to blog every second, take some time out...

Sending you a big hug and as you said before, no the pain won't stop but everyday your sorrow will ease slightly. Your Dad had a great life with a amazing family & I hope that you will take comfort in knowing that.

Kirsty. Xx

Anonymous said...

Dear Kandee. Im am truly sorry for your loss, i cant even imagine how hard it must be. I just wanted to THANK you for being the wonderfull person you are, sins i startet following you on youtube like 4 years ago. You helpt me be the person i am today and i look so much up to you, youre the biggest inspiration in my life and you always make people happy and give us hope! Thank you for everything, thank you for being you! For me you are one of the greatest womens in the world. Love from Frida

LoVeLiFe2983 said...

Kandee we love you sooooooooo much! I have lost my auntie who was so special to me and sometimes I still get sad, but I can only imagine how it must feel to lose your dad:( My heart hurts for you, I pray for you to smile through this storm. God's plan is good for us that love him, and i know you do:) keep shining kandee johnson! <3 love you and God bless you! <3

Emily Cerasani said...

Kandee my heart breaks for you and your family. I know how it feels to lose a loved one and it hurts every day. Eventually those tears will turn into happy tears as you look back on memories you and your dad had together. Praying they Jesus strengthens you through this! Love,
Emily

Arlene said...

Kandee I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!! U have been such an inspiration to me in so many different ways!!! kandee time heals all wounds, and although it might be today u will be ok and ur heart will not hurt anymore. You and your family are my prayers. <3 U KANDEE JOHNSON !!!!! HUGE HUGS TO THE MOON AND BACK!!!!

Anonymous said...

I know how it feels i lost my brother in an accident 8 years ago we were very close to each other . Thats how i felt for a long time after he passed i felt like nothing would ever be the same i couldnt imagine my life without him in it. But time teaches u how to keep going i still think of him everyday and imagine how life will be if he was here i know he would a great uncle to my kids :,( keep strong!

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain Kandee, I too miss my dad soo much. I have learned it's ok to be sad sometimes, cry if you need to, but also remember to smile.. If you cant smile for yourself, do it for youd babies and for your dad. Sending you big hugs from a heart that knows all to well the pain you are going through.

Anonymous said...

You have always been here to encourage us and to brighten our days Kandee, now it's our turn to be here for you! The pain of losing a loved one never goes away, but eventually it becomes bearable because it means you love your dad. Your internet family loves you and we'll always be here for you! Xoxo

Anonymous said...

Tears run down my face.. I'm crying every single day since I heard what happened to your dad.

You are inspiring beyond imagination with your posts the past two weeks.

I won't tell you that it's getting better because it won't.
Every single day from now on your dad will not be here on earth.
But keep your faith in God and he will help you through this difficult time.

I would do everything right now to take this pain away from you and I would give everything I have to bring your dad back to you.

I'm feeling so miserable beeing so powerless...

I pray for you Kandee Johnson.

I love you! Huge hugs and kisses from the other side of the world :-*

cyntharella said...

Take your time kandee, all of your internet family will totally understand if you dont feel up to blogging. We all just want you to be healthy and to focus on yourself and your family. And when youre ready, we will all be here with open arms and hearts.

Anonymous said...

I Express how sorry i am for your loss. I want you to hold on tight and don't ever forget that you are not alone. I love you, and i'm sending love and prayer from my house to yours!

Anonymous said...

My heart has hurt for you since I read what you've been going through these past two weeks. I have prayed for you and your family. All of us understand that you need to take time off to mourn and just figure out how to try to live through this. If you need/want to blog about your dad, do it! We all understand. Writing will help you figure out your thoughts and feelings. Be strong, Kandee. Millions of people love you and are praying for you and your family. It won't be easy and it will take a lot of time, but things will get easier. So much love from Texas.
-Bren

Anonymous said...

Kandee we love you! We all understand that your heart is hurting and you need time to heal. It encourages us to hear of how you are doing and knowing that you are still encouraging people with your words. We support you and know that when you are ready to share your videos and blogs to the world again we will be right there. I will continue to pray for your hearts healing. Thank you Kandee for you just being you!

Penelope W said...

I lost my dad when I was 22. I understand if you're not blogging. Your heart is the most important thing to nurture right now.

Take time off and don't feel guilty!

Just put up a call for guest beauty bloggers and you won't have to even think about writing for a while. It helps a ton with the guilt of not blogging.

Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter when you can get back to blogging or making videos. Your heart has a lot of healing to do and that only happens with time. Meanwhile all your fans understand and appreciate you just the same. Love and prayers to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you and your sisters loss. I havnt yet lost a parent but I have lost someone that was like a parent to me. Its hard to get back to where you were before the horrible news came. prayers are with your entire family during this ever so difficult time. Dont rush to come back, we will all be awaiting you when you do start back to youtube and your daily blogs.

Anonymous said...

I am crying while I read this. You bring so much inspiration to lifes of so many, including me. It forces me to look at my life and think about what a better person I want to become...take this time to work on healing. You are in my prayers, love you girl! <3

PrincessHarlow said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.... I can't even imagine what you're going through. We love you. Praying that God helps you find a way to cope.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for ur loss kandee! I also lost someone special to me on the same day as you. When I read about it om fb, my heart broke. I cant imagine losing my dad! I lost my dog who I loved a lot! And cant imagine losing a dad must feel like! God bless u!

Anonymous said...

Kandee I am going through a tough couple of days, nothing that compares to what you are going through and still your words, you saying that you love us made me feel better!! Kandee you are such a beautiful soul!

Anonymous said...

Kandee your amazing and we love you sooo much! You have been such a positive influence on my life. Your amazing and I'm praying for you ! No matter what happens always remember that Jesus loves you and is always there for you! Your a light and don't let anyone or anything try to turn your light off! I have a problem that I care to much what people think of me but you've helped me realize that I only need to worry about what makes me happy! Thank you kandee I send me a lot of love and Huges from my computer to yours! Lol

Cassandra S said...

So sorry to hear that. I never had anyone that close died Yeltsin but getting close. I think your one of the strongest people I know. You will get thought this but it will take time. Every heart needs time to heal and feel better. Do something you love each day and it might get better. I know he will always be with you.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you mean. My dad passed away 5 years ago, and when it happend I was absolutely beside myself. I had never cried so much in my life. One thing that helped me was sitting and listening to all his favorite songs and just crying till i had no more tears left. It got easier day by day but the sadness is still there, Just not as bad. I miss my dad every single day, but I know he would want me to be happy and to live. It will get better Kandee, that I promise. Peace be with you

Anonymous said...

Cast all of your cares on ME........1st Peter 5:7

Anonymous said...

You bring so much happiness and joy to all of us who follow you through your blog and videos. Your father obviously is proud of you.....during his time on earth and now in heaven. I send you my honest love and sympathy for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you. - diane

RChops said...

Oh Kandee, my eyes have been pouring for you as I've been reading your last 3 posts. My heart goes out to you from the other side of the world and i'm interactively giving you the best hug I can manage. I was told that the heartbreak never heals but it gets easier to live with as time goes by. Give thanks for every second you were lucky enough to spend with your dad and honour his memory by living your life the best way you know how. That is all our parents want for us. Take care of yourself and your family xx

Anonymous said...

Kandee, don't be sad, it is breaking your dads heart to see you sad and mournful over him. Be happy that he is joyous in heaven. Keep going, don't give up.
We love you!
Sincerely,
Kandee Fans

lovekudzu said...

You are such a sweet person. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time and even though we've never met, I'd love nothing more than to hug your neck.

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Heather

Katie-ann Auger said...

My mom died 1 year ago and it still sucks! Don't feel bad about not blogging... Do what feels right to you and don't worry about "what you should do".
During my grieving I did whatever felt right. I lived for me and my mom. I actually still go to the grave yard on a nice sunny day and bring a blanket to lay on and read while listening to the birds under the trees. I planted flowers and it is my safe place. I LOVE being at the grave site. I feel very calm there.

Just something to look forward to. Hope you get inspired.

Anonymous said...

Kandee, I am still praying for u and ur family. I do miss reading your blog and watching your videos but we all understand that u need time to heal. May God comfort you during this difficult time and i love u bunches! Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

So sorry for your loss Kandee I wish i could crawl through my computer and give you a big hug.

Sue said...

Oh Kandee! My heart hurts for you. I miss you but i can totally wait as well as everyone here. The loss is so great and i felt like your Sister's quote, it hurt so bad i couldn't breath. All the business part of it i understand too. Trying to get it done when your not ready too. I kept the craziest thing of my dad's which was kitchen utensils and silverware ...Lol! He loved to cook as i do. Everytime i use something of his it reminds me of him. And i feel like he's with me cooking a batch of Kandee cupcakes. :) Love you girl, the pain and memories will always be there but it gets easier to do the things you love. Let those memories shine through, he did Gods work and he also uses you. Your a great inspiration i probably would never have acted on my dream if it wasn't for your words of encouragement. Thank you and I'll keep you in my prayers, as for the whole family. Sending the biggest tightest hug through prayer. I hope it helps! Love you!

Anonymous said...

Kandee so sorry for your loss. I know what that pain feels like. A few years ago I lost my grandmother who meant the WORLD to me. When she died, it felt like a part of me died too. It's something that you never get over, but time does definitely heal. My aunt and cousin still live in her house. Its taken me a few years to gain the courage to come back to her house to visit my family that was left here. I thought coming here would just hurt, but I'm glad I came. Her favorite flowers, gardenias, are still planted in her front yard. I picked them and put them in a vase to put on the dinner table. My family made one of her best dishes, stragonoff. Even though she is no longer here on Earth, I feel her spirit through the flowers that she planted and the beautiful family she created. Stay strong! ~Jenn

Anonymous said...

This inspired me....and ill leave it at that.:)

Anonymous said...

Hi kandee, I lost my mom when I was 11 years old, its been 12 years now..and so I've tried to console anyone around me its ever happened to. I truly feel like maybe that was supposed to be part of my life so that I could try to explain to people that this is one thing that time itself doesn't heal. I know that sounds a little depressing but you simply learn to get back up, one foot at a time, and live. To this day, I have my good days and my bad days..and that's how it will be forever. The grieving process is so surrealin that, sometimes, you don't know how to feel or if what you feel is what you're "supposed" to feel. You have to go through the sadness..and then go through the joy of remembering..and that will be the key..hold on to every dear memory, good and bad. Keep a hold of everyone who is near and dear..and even the people that were closest to your dad, it helps to speak to people who knew your dad in a different context (his best friend, his side of the family, etc) nothing bring me greater joy then remembering my mom with her parents and siblings, they can fill you in on maybe some things you didn't even know. You deserve this time right now to feel however you want to feel, its not right or wrong. And there is no time frame for being happy or sad. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and I realize sometimes its hard to even be consoled at this time. He's always with you kandee. And you're so strong, you WILL get back up again, one day at a time. My heart and prayers are with you.

Esme jones said...

I want to let you know that my heart goes all the way out for you and that your such a strong inspiring women and however hard it may be- keep smiling keep hope and that one day you and your father will be reunited once again . I feel your pain I lost my dad a year ago due to the evil cancer. I have a huge hole in my heart still but now I know that someone like you some one inspiring now feels the same I will get better it may not seem like it but I will I promise - your one of the reasons I still get up in the mornings and that I still carry on - all I can say now is THANK YOU SO MUCH for you hopefull inspring words!!

Anonymous said...

Kandee I know the pain of having a father pass away and all I can say is to keep holding on and remember that you are strong. please be strong and may God bless your family

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